I WILL GO DOWN WITH THIS SHIP

OK.

So I have not been totally honest with you or myself.

I'm feeling suicidal lately.

Really.

Tak tipu.

But you and I know yang aku takkan gantung diri or terjun dari tingkat 18 or get myself electricuted or swallow a few bottles of sleeping pills or lari depan keretapi or slash my wrist or tie my ankle with a rock and jump in the nearest lombong or lock myself in a car filled with carbon monoxide.

No.

Sebab aku memang pengecut.

Kau pernah tak rasa depress sebab kau tengok orang yang kau sayang depress?
The fact that it's not you who originally depressed to begin with, menjadikan kau helpless, no control and even more depress.
You can't do much.

I'm tired.

Putting up a happy face, when you feel like crap.
Pretending everything's OK, when it's not.
Holding it up, when you not even sure if it's still worth doing.

So.

What's my plan?

Apart from suicide that is.

I don't know. I really don't know.

For now, tak salahkan kalau aku nak hiburkan hati, get that instant release. I really need it, urgently!

Aaahhhhh.......

Such a beautiful creature.

Clarity....peace...serenity...