When sorrows come, they come not in single spies, but in battalions. (Shakespeare's Hamlet, 1603)

12/05/09

As usual, pepagi sampai office...baca blog kengkawan dulu. Excited for Saharil, his art exhibition kat Annexe Gallery, opening this Thursday. Eh..Yen tau ke tak? Email lah!
Hehehehe....of course she knows!. Aku cuba nak plan dengan Yen to meet up, possibly on Sunday, wanna go to the exhibition together. Lama sangat tak jumpa minah sorang neh. Buku Utopia dia pun dah berkulat dalam laci, tak pulang lagi.
[Yen, maaf, aku tak dapat nak fullfill my side of bargain...again. Very sorry]
Later that evening, aku mention kat Dinie about the whole arrangement. She was ecstatic!! Her first art exhibition visit. Fuuhhhh...lega....tak payah nak rasa guilty sebab kena tinggalkan dia dengan mama. She also mentioned about her exam, esok start. Dinie, macam biasa, confident giler.."Kacang lahh!".
Around 8.30 pm, her nose started to bleed, but then again, her nose often bleeds every now and then. Aku takde la concern sangat. Lepas berenti darah, kitorang tidur.


13/05/09

8.05 am, hidung Dinie darah lagi. We do the necessary to stop the bleed. Then she went to mandi and get ready for breakfast. Aku notice she frequently ask for water. "Ma, nak air, Dinie haus." Takde aper kot, lately ni cuaca pun memang panas sikit, tekak kering agaknya.
Dah siap-siap, aku dah pegang kunci rumah nak keluar, Dinie said "Ma, Dinie rasa letih sangat, penat, Dinie nak baring kejap."
I replied " Alaaaa....Atuk ngan Nenek ntah2 dah ada kat bawah...jomla Nie, nanti lambat!".
She silently obliged.
Inside the lift, pressed G, and wait.
"Ma, I don't feel so good.".
Tingg!! Lift door open....and she vomitted right in front of the lobby.
She vomitted blood.
She coughed out blood and blood clot out of her small delicate pale mouth.

The beginning of a very long day.

*Mama dengan Papa sampai, muntah lagi, nak pergi kereta, lagi muntah, panel clinic, referral letter, KPJ Kajang Wad Kecemasan, initial check-up - tummy and rectal, ambik darah, masuk air, the specialist, Dr K came down, bad news - they don't have the endoscope tube for children so they have to refer Dinie to Paediatric Institute in GHKL, gaduh dengan doctor, try seeking other options (beg, borrow or steal the bloody tube) - no avail! (babi!)*

I hate this part, right here. Prior to the transfer, GHKL instructed KPJ to empty Dinie's stomach of any residue so that it will be easier for them to perform endoscope.
So, at this point, the nurses bawak mari one long tube, smothered a lot of KY jelly, poked it into her nose, down her throat, to her stomach. Aku betul2 tak tahan tengok dia suffer.
"Sakit..sakit..Mama...Ya Allah...tolong..."
It took 2 nurses, aku, aku, adik aku & bapak aku, to hold and comfort her until the tube finally reached her tummy. Agony. Pure agony.
Till today, aku ada masalah bila nak tidur. The moment aku tutup mata, this particular image flashed before me, the smell of the blood, the sound of her voices calling out for me. Even when I managed to finally fell asleep, aku akan terjaga every 1/2 an hour, looked over, touched her head, checked her breathing, rearranged her blanket etc..etc. Aku worry, and I should be.

*Naik ambulance (for the first time) to GHKL, muntah lagi, sampai terus masuk wad, doctor checked, took off her tube, her father sampai, went to ENT, the doctor cauterized the small area of her nose, sakit she said, she sneezed a lot after the procedure, blood all over the floor even the nurse panic, go back to the ward....etc....etc....(tak larat nak sambung lagi)*

Penat arr. Aku penat...imagine anak aku. Kesimpulan: Takde bleeding dalam perut, hidung dia yang problem, she swallowed the bleedings instead of letting it out from her nostril.

Musibah yang berlaku nih, menyebabkan aku reevaluate beberapa perkara.

Family. Betapa pentingnya immediate family bagi aku. Their undivided support, time, energy, spirit. I cannot express betapa aku value & appreciate what they have done for me. Thank you.

Suami - untuk bersama-sama pikul responsibility raising this lovely child, together.
Aku tak rasa dia faham how serious the situation was. When he reached the hospital, Dinie was already stabilised, very much subdued and calmer. Alhamdulillah, she's OK, for now.
But what if, God forbid, he is not so lucky. What if the next time he reached us, he won't be able to see us smiling, calling and reaching out for him anymore. What if all that's left was just a cold body. What if.

Aku - how ignorant I can be. All the vital signs and hints were there, but I refuse to acknowledge. I was too busy paying attention to everything else but my own daughter. Aku memang bebal. Aku akan cuba perbaiki diri.

Pls Dinie, get well soon. Get back to your good old self.
Mama sayang Dinie.